夕陽無限好

人人都在回顧零七，我的零七過得很好。
到了日本兩次，一次東京，一次北海道。
到了倫敦，cleveland, 芝加哥，las vegas, los angelos。
遊走了不少地方，看了不少，也感受不少。
零七的生日過得好，沒有華麗盛宴，沒有禮物，
卻有一班好友加他。
八月，人在英國，享受了一星期的愛情，雖然已沒怎樣的記憶，
但兩巨蟹座的力量，卻是遙不可及。
十月尾，首次遇上了我人生的第一個雙魚座，
他是我嗎﹖還我是他嗎﹖
只知我倆皆寂寞。
工作學業，這下半年遇上了良師，uncle tim，
看懂了不少，也明白自己多了不少。
零八，女巫回歸，祝我好運。

再見二零零七。

零八希望，找份好工，繼續遊盪。

睡不來

天還沒光，已醒。
眼鼻心肺，無一正常操作，感冒纏身。
他．我，還沒走在一齊，距離已無法重點，
但卻沉醉於那份假愛的愛擁。
彼此都失去了那份力量，該把痛苦結束，還是繼續。
心沒半點疼，關係該延續﹖
很想試著愛他，但卻沒有半點衝動。
我矛盾，這雞與蛋的問題，找不到答案。
而他卻像一個黑洞，感情不著痕跡。

病了，謝過關心，那是真心還是假意，又有誰知﹖

我不懂男人，更不懂美國人。

失戀多一次

寒假開始了，在芝加哥遊走了數天，太冷了，受不了，冷得令人有點麻目。

這陣子，沒有什麼兩樣，空白空白。很久沒有那心疼的感覺，突然卻想失戀多一次，心疼多一次。

ryan, 'maybe we should break up from our non relationship relationship'
sadie, 'hahahha! non relationship relationship'

if breaking up from this non relationship relationship would get my heart broken once more, I do wanna try.

sadie, ' i haven't call him for months already.'
ryan, 'cos you have attached to me.'
sadie, 'maybe.'
ryan, 'maybe.'

Maybe, maybe. i wanna find my lost love.

What is ART?

I took a visit to The Art Institute of Chicago this morning. After enjoying my favourite Seurat and all the Impressionist paintings, I turned into Modern Art. I came across with this Piet Mondrian .
This was what the lady next to me said,
'I don't understand why people called this art, It is nothing. You can do it, I can do it. Why is it here? Why do we call it art?'

what she just said, smashed my brain completely! I pretended that I heard nothing, and kept enjoying myself with this Mondrian's ART. I remember the first time when I learned about Mondrian was that introduction to fine art history in my year 1 undergraduate. I can't remember much on what Dr. Muir had told us. But I do remember the first time when I saw the original painting of Piet Mondrian in Tate Modern. I was amazed.

I am disappointed at that Lady's comment. For me, art is art no matter it is TECHNICALLY amazing like those Renaissance art or it is as simple as just lines and squares. what is important is its historical contribution. I don't understand how could people use a 21st century perspective to understand something back to the 20th or even 19th century. This is so not fair to those artists. If it's not art, then we could say John Cage 4'33'' is not music either. 'you can do it, i can do it.'

well, this is just me. you don't have to agree.

In Lozenge Composition, Mondrian reoriented a square support to produce a dynamic relationship between the composition and the diagonals of the edges. The fifth of sixteen diamond-shaped works, this deceptively simple painting reveals an exacting attention to subtle relations between lines, shapes, and colors. Mondrian hoped that his art would point the way to a utopian future in which the principles of universal harmony would be embodied in all facets of life and art. This was the goal of the De Stijl movement, first formulated in Holland around 1916-17 by Mondrian and a small group of like-minded artists and architects. from The Art Institute of Chicago

twisted

maybe, the world is twisted already. what is real love? whatever john and yoko said is not existing anymore.
all we need is not love.
but affair.

we don't need promises.
we don't need security.
all we need is lust.

damn it.
it's so not right.

化了。

來了美利堅已差不多年半了，沒有再想起藍宇，但今天是在美利堅的第一次，全因我跟友人說了一句「還行。」。

藍宇．捍東，兩人源於情慾的關係，卻最終愛得轟烈。要是這能在同志世界發生的話，兩性間又有這樣的愛嗎﹖

兩天一夜間，兩位友人又再被情困，我不會把自己計算其中，因為那並不是情。突然，我又想起了2046那列車，感到自己就像列車上那機械人，我是出錯了會哭的那個，還是毫無半點感覺的那個﹖

或許，這只是又再一次証明我還未能處之泰然。合則來，不何則去。如何簡單之道理。

決定轉身了，便不要再回頭。

i am not the only one.

got lost on my way to his house. terrible at map reading/ following directions.

plan changed. work pops up all out of a sudden, ruin our weekend.

沒有怎樣的對話，我想彼此都不知何以。

please, no more confusion.
just let me know, when you will be gone.
i am sorry.

零點零

就是這零點零的失望，說不出原因所在，但卻感到那零點零的空虛感。脫離了煙霧彌漫的日子已差不多一星期，呼吸上沒有半點好過，怎樣了。酒精在腦袋遊蕩，那只是一陣子，還醉不了。

那關係，我知我怎也受不了，但，那又如何，there is nothing to lose, right? i hope there is just a little love between us. just a little.

i am drowned.
don't ever try to save me.

bitchy boss is coming back soon, hope it won't be a disaster. just be prepared.

must watch! so funny.

http://www.mtvjapan.com/flvplayer/mcmsplayer.swf?plid=86&displayheight=312&displaywidth=416&startindex=1&autostart=fal

maybe.

how do you take the word 'maybe'? it's positive or negative?
one day, maybe.

i don't know what am i writing now. maybe, i am lost. maybe, i am not.

this is a loop. keep asking the same question, is it right? is it wrong? should i move on? maybe.

have been thinking so much lately. is it a trap? why can't we human being be more honest to ourselves? i have been very honest to both of them, but somehow, maybe, they are hiding something. or is just me being too sensitive? maybe.

to be honest with you guys, i am pissed. not just because of that bizarre triangle or even rectangle, everything else, but not myself.

everyone is starting up a new blog, new life. i am going to stick with my blog here, cos no one read it anyway. it's just me who keeps writing shit to remind myself of all the mistake i have made.

i gotta be honest to myself. what do i want. i wish i know how i feel. maybe.

"It is part of the definition of feeling that it is born in us without our will, often against our will. As soon as we want to feel (decide to feel), feeling is no longer feeling but an imitaion of feeling, a show of feeling. This is commonly called hysteria. That's why homo sentimentalis ( a person who has raised feeling to a value) is in reality identical to homo hystericus." Immortaliy -Milan Kundera

life is short. to be loved.

This never happened before.

I'm very sure, this never happened to me before
I met you and now I'm sure
This never happened before

Now I see, this is the way it's supposed to be
I met you and now I see
This is the way it should be

This is the way it should be, for lovers
They shouldn't go it alone
It's not so good when your on your own

So come to me, now we can be what we want to be
I love you and now I see
This is the way it should be
This is the way it should be

This is the way it should be, for lovers
They shouldn't go it alone
It's not so good when your on your own

I'm very sure, this never happened to me before
I met you and now I'm sure
This never happened before (This never happened before)
This never happened before (This never happened before)
This never happened before (This never happened before)
This never happened before

War is Over!

after a while of chaos, War is Over!

不知不覺間，原來我再已不在乎。在兩人之間的步伐距離越走越遠之前，我決定了停下來。六呎四與五呎三的距離實在太大。

迷失香港，迷失美國。下一站?

「醉翁之意不在酒，在乎山水之間也,山水之樂,得之心而寓之酒也。」
lust, love. both can't get enough.

what's next?

after all, we are just one of the creation of the world.
lust or love?
no difference.
fuck that.

i am collapsed.

after all, i feel like writing again.

mistakes cant be made for twice. once you know thats a mistake, you will keep reminding yourself never fall into the trap again. yes, i did it again.

i didn't feel terribly bad this time. it's starting to become part of my life. the cycle keep repeating, once upon a time, then back to the starting point where i felt again.

i lost my soul to you completely.

Bizarre Love Triangle.

Every time I think of you
I get a shot right through Into a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine But it's a problem I find
Living the life that I can't leave behind
There's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of a fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes
And it's what nobody knows
And every day my confusion grows
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for the final moment
You say the words that I can't say

I feel fine and I feel good
I feel like I never should
Whenever I get this way
I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday
I'm not sure what this could mean
I don't think you're what you seem
I do admit to myself
That if I hurt someone else
Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for the final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say
Every time I see you falling
I'll get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for the final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say

we had a fight.

when two people with strong personality and intellectual background, it's always very easy to get into a fight. we had a fight till 3 a.m. last night, which caused me a serious headache now.

morality or lust?

finally lust caution is showing somewhere nearby about an hour drive. will i be able to make it during thanksgiving break?

兩個人的體溫

誰沒有迷失的時候﹖只是當迷失時，有多迷失，有多久。
誰又不知酒精讓人迷失﹖只是當酒醉時，有多醉，還是只是想醉。
誰又不知兩個人一起睡有多暖﹖只是當睡醒時，有多陌生。
男主角不停換角，女主角還在熟睡。

那份兩個人的體溫，還可讓女主角有多熟睡﹖

no pain, no gain, no regret.
nothing's gonna change my world.

Love is real!

sunlight glazed through the window.
i feel the cold besides my pillow.
it was you who left that hollow.
sleep under the shadow,
would love embraces my cold?

Here, there and everywhere. I lost my hero.

Laura or Agnes?

i woke up in the middle of the night after that 'nightmare', i was working so hard in my dream, feel like it did happen. my face was flushing with tears. how did that happen? after all, i am all alone by myself in this room, with a mr. bean teddy sleeping beside me, once again, i am into the dream.

'I ask myself why i bothered to live all those years when I didn't leave any trace of myself with anyone. What's left of my life? Nothing. Agnes, nothing Bernard was thinking of me, that I was present in his head, that I was alive in him. Because for me that's the only real life: to live in teh thoughts of another. Otherwise I am the living dead.' - Immortality, Milan Kundera

I am not Laura nor Agnes. I am sadie, a living dead who lives her own life.

除以三

發了一個很奇怪的夢。要是我的人生有四十八年時間，把它分成三個階段，頭十八年是少年時期，隨後的二十一年是人生最快樂的時間，而餘下的便是老年期。那現在的我是二十五，算一算，三年又三年的時間而過了八次。還有八次機會讓我再三年又三年，那麼，下一次又會在什麼時候來，三年又三年之間的真空期又該怎樣算呢﹖一大堆數字在腦內湧現。那一刻我以為自己死了，一個身影在眼前出現，擁實了，卻怎樣也想不起他的樣子。算了，或許他只不過又是其中一個三年又三年的影子。

我們失望，是因為我們所期望。等了那麼久，或許只是獨欠一句多謝。
麻木又好，盲目又好。又有何分別?

give me a break, please!

停不了的吸煙，那才感受到人是如此脆弱。我們都有著自己的感覺，隨著自我感覺而活的人永遠都最痛苦的一群。敵不了自我，任由感覺去控制所有行徑，別人眼中，這才是生活，但在那些自我的人心中，這只是痛苦的開始。隨著感覺，一直的走下去，永遠有一刻的時間，理性的他在質問那些感覺，但那感性的她，卻無法答辨。這兩性間的爭論，永遠都是無,止境的，人生已走了二十五年，還道不出半點道理，還是依著感覺行事，久不久便露出那真我，沉著，不願道出半句說話的我，我並不討厭那個我，只是不懂那才是我。

2046，看了又看，也道不出我想留在2046，還是離開2046。

sometimes, i just wanna be loved. u loser.

depeche mode -ing.

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
Shell get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
Shell hear me out
And wont easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact shell often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me
Aaaahhhhh....

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyones strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
Ill get away with it
Aaaahhhhh....

how does it make you feel?

秋天好像來了，嗅不到那秋天的氣味，但卻感到那份秋涼。
時間在流，一切都在指縫間流過，沒有半點氣味停留在指尖。
或許，就是這樣，不著痕跡地停了。

影子

一個人回家的路上，月色半彎，我看著那修長的影子，問了一個問題
「你是誰﹖」那影子沒有回應，只一直向前走。

我在失敗的旅途上，找了一個出口。那是停留在2046，永遠都不再離開。

決定了，便決不回頭，請不要再踏入胡混的感情生活，「你」玩不起。

對不起，又再一次要逃回2046療傷。

我又累了。

人大了，身體毛病開始多了。胃痛如往，討厭美利堅，極之討厭。每天一公仔面加可口可樂什麼時候才可改變，我掛念翠華的魚旦河。

為著winter break 煩惱，為著前途而煩惱，我還可以怎樣﹖我想走到有多遠﹖

或許，下一步，我首要實現我十年前想到的地方。

我累，但幸好，今年比去年好，還可走下去。

友達

those were the days.

Life back in the states Fall 2007 Aug

England 2007

當生活變得有律的時候，一切已成了習慣。
在canford 這裡快到了第七天了，快成習慣的時候，也是時候說再見了。
人一離開了香港，感覺一切都是只有自己一人，沒有他人。
隨著只我想怎樣便怎樣好了，
我想我是快樂的。
音樂上的滿足感，是多大。看到身旁有著不同的人在幫助自己繼續完成這漫長的旅程，
心是感到多大的安慰，小小地方，但卻聚集了過百對音樂充滿著熱誠的一群人。
單單離開了香港只是短短的四天，
那份無拒無束的感覺便回來了，
少許酒精，永遠是最令人作出一些不理智的事情。
我想，我並不需要談戀愛，我只需要那份短暫的被愛感覺，
不必天長地久，一分鐘便已很足夠。

他拖著我走進教堂，慢慢一步步向前走，
他在我耳旁，哼著結婚進行曲，
我嚷著「別傻氣。」
他只繼續在我耳邊哼著。

原來一切都可以來得那麼簡單。

現實，如夢一般的美。

但這是快樂嗎﹖00:00 AM 8/11/2007@ Canford, england

_____________________________________________________________
Meny:I am so tired in the last 7 days of conducting.
Me: I am tired too.
Mark: The course work made you tired?
Me: OF COURSE!!!!
Mark: NOnono, its the extra curricular activity outside the course that makes you tired.
you are busy in developing the international relations. Anglo-Dutch-Chinese relation.
Me: ...............
Meny: It's good that she is not denying.
Me: .....what am i suppose to say?
Meny: Look at her smile!!!!!
Mark: (same old cunning smile starring at me!)


人越大就變得越來越胡扯，已記不起對上一次真真正正愛一個人的是什麼時候，實實在在地擁實一個我愛他他愛我的人又是那一個。
那份被擁實的感覺是多自在的，但那又代表什麼?
他，比我年長九年。直覺跟我說，他該是雙魚座。但事實竟然是巨蟹座，那一刻我真的不敢相信。同在七月，比我早了五天。
但那又如何，一心在想，巨蟹座的人，是該不會越軌的。但，他原來也只是一個typical 男人。
或許，彼此都清楚明白，這是叫做flirting! 他沒有介意我心裡的那一人，我也沒有介意他在荷蘭的另一個她。
怎樣也好，結束了flirting! 回復一個人在倫敦遊走。

這次，又再一次証明了，我實在怎也再愛不下去了。

4:35 AM 8/13/2007 @Wigram House, London

my summer 2007

this is my fabulous summer! I love England!

找到了，又如何。

苦找了一個月的leica 相機，終於被我在旺角再到了。三十四度的天氣，在全沒有準備的裝束下到了旺角逛街，我那四吋高跟鞋，跟那小背心，與人群搏鬥了兩句鐘，找了數間電器鋪後，到了一間，那呀叔跟我說，你想找黑色d lux-3，這半年內都不會有貨。那一刻我已跟自己說，算吧，沒有緣份，就是沒有緣份。但正當放棄的時候，竟在一間不起眼的鋪見到有現貨d-lux 3，一問之下，還要是黑色。那一刻，真的十分興奮，但再問一下價錢，竟要六千三百大元，還要不包相機袋，只送你一張一gb card。我沒有衝動，讓自己靜下來，仔細想一想。心大心細，明知六千三百大元，一點都不值，但卻心思思。直到剛剛，連他又很肯定的跟我說，不值，太貴。我決定放棄了。

買相機，跟感情都是一樣，找到了，遇上了，那又如何。不是你的，便不是你的。再見。

不能說的秘密

小品台式愛情電影，已記不起有多久沒有看過，相信是《不》片，是繼藍色大門後，我所看的台式小品愛情電影。沒有期望，卻沒有令我失望。桂綸鎂，就是那份小女生的感覺，不造作。秋生哥，一貫的好戲。周董，做中學生，又真的有點勉強，但倒要讚他這次的演技的而且確是比演拓海時進步了，兼寫故事與導演，故事不錯，初次執導來說，算是很不錯了。可能我是一個讀音樂的人，看見別人彈得一手好琴，那份觸碰心靈的感覺，是他人所感受不到。一向看電影都是眼淺的我，自己一個看love actually也可以哭的人，多次想哭，卻強忍了，怕被鄰座的那位取笑，那份感覺，是真的很窩心。

夜半一時三十八分，聽著周董的不能說的秘密，又想哭了。心中，有很多不能說的秘密，但那又如何，那些秘密根本就沒有人想會知道。

這一刻，突然的感到很害怕，巨蟹的我，從來便討厭從新適應生活，三星期後，便回美了，我討厭又要一個人的從新開始。但我知道香港，的確不宜讓我久留，因為我知道留在這兒太久，我只會更想更想他，而那一天碰到的日子，總會遇上。去或留，又有誰在乎?

北海道之攞你命三千

平生最討厭的旅遊方式莫過是跟團，一團人上車落車，左拍右攝，悶得很加累得很。幸好去的是北海道，沒有東京的夜街遊逛，要不然，在第二天我便已宣佈投降。沒有六時的morning call，最早的都只是七時，算是不錯吧! 到埗後，有點水土不服，一水土不服，便足足水土不服五天。去北海道，只不過是想吃好一點，但我的肚卻不大爭氣。我這死硬派人，當然一於不理，照樣大大舊金熗魚放進口溶化，牡丹蝦在胃裏游轉，毛蟹在肚裏橫行。美食真的多的是，最令我滿意的是那金熗魚，果真是上品。那生粟米，也是我人生第一次試吃，沒想過真的如此鮮甜爽口。

去時四行李，回程八行李加四手提。感覺像是回鄉探親後，帶回很多鄉下土產回城市的感覺。汐張蜜瓜，六花亭朱古力，白之戀人朱古力，汐張蜜爪軟糖，長腳蟹，北海道限定薯片.....................

說到底，我還是喜歡一個人去旅行的感覺。倫敦，我快來了。但我更不捨得的是，香港。皇后碼頭，請不要離我而去。

如欲看我那神奇手提電話拍下的北海道照片，請按此。

D-Lux 3

一部leica 相機，全部人都相繼罵我你是不是錢太多﹖到百老匯問機，被串。到灣仔問機，又變得無知。友人幫我問機，要訂貨等三個月。因這部leica，而吵架。在香港找了兩天，真身還是看不到。拒絕到旺角走走，因怕人多，但我想如今，還是少不免。網上blog 友紛說買leica 很論緣份，那我就和它談一場緣份，明到日本一遊，如我看見它，帶回來的不是一部，而是兩部。我在賭氣。

simpsons' the movie

別說我無聊，可能我真的是。上圖為這數晚以來的所作所為，全為得啖笑。問友人「你覺得似嘛﹖」他回我一句「simpson，你唔係想似呀﹖」哈哈哈哈! 如大家在studio 工作也覺得十分無聊，請進入這裡天馬行空一番。

我不快樂

我不喜歡自己的後知後覺。那份陌生感，真的令我很無奈。
中午醒來，頭有點飄，身體有點虛，打算下午一個人到影藝戲院看一套屬於我一個人的電影，在互聯網一個搜尋，不經意發現原來影藝戲院早在上年零六年十一月時已光榮結業。還記得多年前，經常一人到那裡看電影，一個人佔了整間戲院，沒有人在竊竊私語，沒有電話的響聲。當所有人都問我一個問題「下? 你唔知執左架咩?」我說「我什麼都不知道」人在美，有著互聯網但我卻沒有天天看著香港的新聞，天星的消失，也是從朋友的口中﹑blog 中得知。那又如何﹖對著從前的放不看，倒不如看看新的天星碼頭，the drive-in 維港巨幕戲院，與它們從新開始一段感情? 對不起，巨蟹從來也只懂向橫走，不懂向前看。

____________________________________________________
不快只是一種感覺，但被別人質疑自己的時候，那種不快也只是一種感覺。請不要將我和他再扯上任何關係。

給自己的生日快樂

回首過去的二十四年，多年來生日都在外國過，我怕大事慶祝，我怕人多寒暄。我怕。我喜歡一個人的靜，一個人在外國過，靜靜地享受屬於一個人的時間。十八歲那年，他在。二十那年，身在英國。二十一那年，身在那兒?想不起。二十五，在港。人累了，不需要禮物，簡單的由密友送來的一句生日快樂，那便幸福夠了。過去的二十四，快樂不快樂，都有你們在身邊，將來的三十五，四十五，都有你們在便夠了。

____________________________________________________________
二十五的一早醒來，竟是流下了一滴眼淚。那不並是因不快樂而流的，只是有點感觸而已。二十五的這個我，我想真的是十分幸福。家人，朋友，學生紛紛送來的短訊，還有在身旁的那群音樂好友。每一人待我的好，我都不知如何感謝。每一人越是待我好，我越想起一個人身在美利堅那份寂寞。大壞旦待我的好，是出乎我意料之外，要不是他與我都有點醉，我倒希望車我回家的是他，而不是那雙子他。二十五，是令人有點累，新陳代謝開始減慢，就連回憶都漸在褪色。
____________________________________________________________
在二零零七年七月十五日晚上十一時五十九分，我感到那零點一的遺憾，美中不足。
____________________________________________________________

電話

有些時候，一個來電足以令你開心興奮不停。昨夜，我便收到一個這樣的一個來電。與一個人的熟，並不是日見夜見的便能做到。久不久來一個電話，就如電台般的盡訢心中情般，大家二話不說把所有身邊發生的，心裡的都說出來。便是喜歡這份熟，就如大家不說話，也深深感受到對方想說什麼。這便是水瓶座的吸引力，與巨蟹座所產生的化學作用。

但有些來電，你卻會狠狠地一次又一次的不接聽。來電的人用心錯了便是用心錯了，令得準備接來電的人，嚇得一個措手不及。

怎樣也好，一個會響的電話總比一個整天不響的電話來得有性。

Please come! this sunday!

countdown之一二三四

每一天都在counting down。



countdown 之一:
為踏入第二十五個年頭而倒數，不停在想在這過去二十五個年頭所發生的大小事情。沒想過，在這一刻只剩下一星期的二十四，最想見的只有一個人。原來已經七年了，這七年來，我們又是怎樣的過。

countdown 之二:
距離去北海道的日子只有十三天，沒有怎樣的期待，但我卻希望這次是一個人的旅行。怎樣也好，北海道過後，也意味著我快將反回地獄。

countdown 之三:
二十八天後，我人將在英國，再一次開始這一個人的旅程，希望我這次的選擇並沒有錯。

countdown 之四:
四十天後，我將身在地獄，再之反回那原始生活。我是害怕嘛﹖很不容易才適應回港的生活，但不久又要再次一個人地走。但我清楚知道，香港這地方對我來說，也可以說是此地不宜久留，the longer i stay here, the more lonely i feel. hong kong is a place that you gotta have LOVE to keep you survived. am i right, am i wrong? i don't know.

失而復得

五年前所遺失了的kent isola，竟然發現在周杰倫的可愛女人大碟盒內。五年前，在芬蘭機場，買下了這隻swedish 版的kent isola，今天747停不了在播，再一次感受kent 的震撼。thank god. 近期發現，太多cd 不翼而飛，首先是我所有coldplay 大碟都只剩下空盒一個，繼而是我的周杰倫和def tech，就連我的jacques loussier plays bach 的disc 1 也不見了。希望它們不要我再等五年後才出現。

PAINT 25

Please comment! tell me what you see!

回歸十週年 vs 回港個半月

對回歸十週年所擁有的零感覺，依舊地馬照跑，舞照跳，還有賭波和炒股票。安安佳佳，盈盈樂樂。對於快到廿五的我，這過去的十年又算得上什麼，感情上大喜大跌了n 多次，到現在心無一點雜念，繼續我的這兒flirt 那兒flirt 的，一時坐cooper s，一時坐206cc。這便是這二十五的我。這是我在那過去十年所學到的，何必太認真，身邊的人，五年感情泡湯的又有，三個月極速熱戀的又有，又異性變同性的又有，由單身到有男友/女友/仆街的又有，我這算得上是什麼。談情可真悶。

回港個半月，由極不適應，到現在終於找回那平衡點，但不少於一個月，又要開始那漫長的旅程。香港的天空又比我對上一次回來的時候灰了，建築物又再不同了，從前在那兒的starbucks 不見了，樓下的吉之島也消失了。每一次回來，忍耐力都比對上一次差，對廣東流行曲的接受程度已跌到最新低點，可幸的是，對港產片的接受能力卻提高了。

下次再回來，已不知是什麼時候。

Death Proof

Death Proof。玩命．飛車．殺人狂。這樣爛的中文譯名，卻說中了這套電影的一切。對上一套看tarantino 的電影是kill bill，那是八十年代時的港產片模式。而這次卻大玩六﹑七十年代的美式電影風格。沒有特別的數碼科技，沒有完美的畫面，只有貫徹的音樂與粗糙式的畫面。對白依舊地精彩，要是你們喜歡pulp fiction，也定必會喜歡death proof。或許你們看過好會明白我所說的。
奈何，只有午夜場播放，我在那旺角朗豪坊戲院，沒有一個人懂得笑那些美式笑話，十個人有九個人走出戲院都大鬧這套電視沉悶(我是那唯一一個認為這套電影好得的人)。我明白，這並不是一套能令你立即愛上tarantino 的電影，但愛看cult 片的人，也定必喜歡。

謝謝某人在極累的情況下陪我看這套對他來說無聊至極的電影，也謝過某人的全程接送。

WTF is wrong with me?

my physical body and my mental mind is not functioning properly. the longer i stay in this place, the worse it gets. i have a serious disfuction with my digestive system, whatever i ate, i feel like its being stucked in my stomach forever and never got digested. then, i get fucking fat. and the aching is getting worse. my mental mind, i dunno what am i thinking and what am i doing, i know i have work to be done, but never got it done. this is not me. i am an organized person. i like things under control, how can i let things be this way? i am just a fucking idiot. i have to leave this hell. i have to. i really have to. this is really driving me fucking crazy.

gloomy saturday

可怕的四月，還有三天。多事四月，零五如是，零六如是，零七也如是。聽了一整天的damien rice，原來他是唯一能讓我靜下來工作的聲音。我沒有特別去想過去三個星期所發生的事，但昨夜，我清楚知道，我真的吻不下去。漸覺得對什麼事情都失去了興趣，就連我最愛的bb，我也沒有半點的思念。這陣子，我究竟在想些什麼﹖身邊的事和人，是我無形的壓力，我怕收到電話，怕收到短訊，怕聽到msn傳來的震動，或許，我真的很想很想 live in my own way. 這些短暫的愉快，沒有為我帶來半點的驚喜。我很累去想，很累去猜測他們心中所想，我只想快點把眼前的工作一一完成，好讓我重整我的身體機能，這樣的生活，不可以再待多久，每天都在慢性自殺，只怨自己的定力不夠。快完了，所有都快完了，好好享受餘下兩星期的一個人生活。回來過後，我又可會比現在的我快樂嘛﹖

sleep, don't weep.
do what you must do, to find yourself, to fill that hole.

我。

我在改變。當一個人在異地生活得太久，道德觀念開始受到很大的沖擊。人開始變得迷失，只要能找到半點心靈的依靠那便足夠，那是我嗎﹖已不知走錯了多少步，早上醒來，沒有宿醉，但看回手機上與他的一言一語，原來我們都只是原始森林裡的一群動物，一群迷失了的羊。早上的太陽並還沒有把我喚醒，拒絕去想昨晚的事，拒絕去想昨天所做的事，我需要是一點心靈上的寧靜，這種沉淪在煙酒間的生活，絕不應該繼續。究竟打從什麼時候開始，我失去了自制能力﹖絕不應該再給自己多餘的藉口，愛誰不愛誰已不再重要，請愛自己，別再傷害這脆弱的我。

i am a loser.

my life is all fucked up in the past 2 weeks. there are things that you shouldn't do. once you have set the bottom line. you gotta stick to it. dun ever try to go over it. never. once you have stepped beyond the bottom line, you will find yourself fucking lost. this is how i feel now. i am totally torn. in this coming week, i have to make a decision. a decision which will change my life again. everything gotta start all over again. i wish i never be borned. i don't fucking belong to any part of this fucking world. i am going to leave gently, without a notice. vanish in the air.

shell / cage

maybe no one will ever be able to understand how i feel now. i am such a loser. i failed at my performance, i felt really bad. really bad. why do i still have to deal with those fake faces? saying good job, nice job. why do i have to deal with the cameras whenever there is a concert? why can't i be the one to concentrate on the music? why do i have to deal with all those little details in every concert, every single move of chairs or stands? why? is it simply because i am a graduate assistant, then i will be able to perform well and at the same time be the stage manager? *uck off. i hate partying, i hate americans. i hate talking to strangers, i hate sleeping with strangers. from now on, the 4 weeks left. i won't talk a single word ever.

bitch, stop sending me emails. i almost crushed my notebook last nite when i got home.

all these shits is killing me softly. i thought i am able to get through it. in fact, i am not. cancer will always be able to survive in depression. all she needs is a crab shell to protect herself. please stop intervening my life.

countdown

see you guys in 31 days. who is interested in picking me up at the airport?

sadie, 自來了亞美利堅後，胃部的問題日益嚴重。一個青蘋果，便足以把我的胃部撕開。隨身已懂得帶著大量的 tums，一痛，便一口大咬數粒。沒有怎樣的消除痛楚，只覺精神上好過。沒有怎樣的對策，只好繼續以抽菸當作食糧，別碰任何美式食物。奈何dunhill快完，mild seven 又還沒到，camel 是也? damn.

失落

原因? 輸了一仗智力遊戲。
從來便不擅長玩弄感情，別裝出瀟洒的樣子，因為這並不是巨蟹座的本能。

stay the fuck away from me.

我想病，大病在床。

至理名言

別讓 寂寞害你傷得一夜白頭

this is just a wrong timing and a wrong person.

dun ever let loneliness control your mind.
stop digging your own grave, please.

am i doing something wrong?

well, seems that i am getting into trouble again. WTF it is, how come both of them are aquarius? WTF! i have been telling myself, no more aquarius, please, never work out. how can it be both of them are aquarius?

i think i know what should i do. i dont really like that guy, i should stop to be a pk anymore. i cant be selfish and taking advantage from him. i should have stay a distance from him, which i failed to do tonite. stop being a bitch! and be rational. time is running out.

sometimes, i just wanna be alone.
better stay at home and watch LOST this weekend.

highly recommend

今期推介: 湯河
whenever you feel sad or unhappy, wanna chill out a bit, click the link below!

http://hk.video.yahoo.com/video/play?ei=UTF-8&b=1&vid=321488&gid=159757

a hug a day

由spring break 回來後，每天上學，他都會給我一個擁抱。今天，rehearsal 糟透了，腦袋快要痛得廝裂的時候，他把我擁實了。久違了的感覺，對上一次給他人擁得那麼實的時候已不知道是多久。即使每次嚷著k先生把我抱緊，礙於他實在比我瘦削得多，怎樣也沒有今天的如此實在。那份給擁著的感覺，i feel like he wants to squeeze me into his body. he will be on tour from tmr till sunday. starting from tmr, i gotta be on my own.

dear fds, could you guys send me a hug icon whenever you see me on msn?
i need a hug a day. i miss you guys.

all about me.

school has only started for 2 days. i am suffocating again. i can't bear her fucking fake face anymore. on the surface, she keeps aking me why am I not happy before the break, i try to blame everything on the weather. well, i am lucky that the weather after the break here is getting a lot better. at least, i dun have to wear heavy clothes again. i could wear something that has a little style, which makes me feel a lot better already. i dunno y am i not happy before the break. asking me a question 'are you happy?' i can never give you a definite answer yes. all i will answer is not bad. fair. there are always things around that you dun feel right. as time goes by, i have learned how to live with those things. no matter what happened, i just have to live with it. i think as long as i didnt step into her office, i am ok. once i stepped in the office, i feel the stress and voices all around. it's kind of like hallucination, or just out of my imagination. i dunno what am i doing now is right or not, i am not sure what am i doing now is what i want. but i am sure there are things around that i dun want. i love making music with those students. i love seeing them playing happily. i love music. this is the fact. i love the counterpoint class. from all these, i see that i still so in love with music. it's just a matter of who is the one playing/ teaching/ whatever. i am trying to keep myself on track. on my own track. please bear in your mind: now, should be the happiest time.

he is going on tour from today till sunday. no hug for 5 days. i dunno why he just has his own way to make me smile everytime i saw him.
intimacy is always the best moment.
dun ever try to break the status quo.

Recap from LA

Fotos uploaded.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/fan715

洛杉磯過後芝加哥

三月二十三日，早上七時十八分，我一個人在芝加哥機場正準備反回地獄。這八天的假期，真的過的很痛快。瘋狂購物，吃盡天下美味，最幸福，莫過於與好友共聚﹑胡扯。在現在這一分鐘，我無意中想起了一個人。那天，不知為何他醉了，我駕著車，他在鄰座睡了，一直由佐敦駕往深井。他睡了，我看著他，心有點疼，因為我不知道原因為何他那般醉，他間中醒來渴我放在車上的水，我想，該載他回家，他卻堅持與我到深井吃糖水。泊車時，他醒了，因為他知道我不懂泊車。我怎樣也想不起他點了些什麼，我也想不起。只記得，我載他回家。他知道我不懂在他家駕車回家，他半醉的樣子，駕快車，讓我認路。腦部的活動請盡快停止，不要再想起些什麼，什麼都不在了，再怎樣想也不再重要。現在，在芝加哥的我與在大阪的他，過得快樂嘛﹖原來看見一個自己所愛的人醉了，心是會那般疼。想起一個不再愛自己的人醉了，心仍是會那樣疼。

我愛他不愛。

thanks ar bi, fred and dada. this is the best vacation ever.

沒有寫詩的快意，一個人胡亂混沌。
文筆又再帶點怯意，再次陷入那低潮時，
盡快抽離角色主意，反回現實殘酷時。
感覺從沒脫節的意思，是我們縱容所致。
請讓我重踏從前的快樂時代，但卻缺了點堅持。

Fight 4019 to buffalo, it's now time for boarding.from a place of 20 degree celcius, back to 2 degree celcius.see you soon, fredonia. my lovely spring.

錯了嗎?

我待在那酒吧，沒有細意留意他們的表演，只顧四周張望，去細看那班還年輕的美國年青人，如何在燃燒他們的青春。不懂喝酒的他們，每一個都只求一醉。我坐在一旁，手執著我那杯tequila，細細品嚐我一個人的快樂。他來搭訕，買我一杯rum coke。rum 可算是我最不喜歡的酒，他倒是選中了。零晨二時許，表演結束了，「他」和我，總是不能二人獨處談談，總有一眾人來搭訕，九扯。他，說車我回家，和另一個女子一起。當我與「他」說，我走了。「他」擁著我，然後說，你跟他離去﹖那一刻，我便知道我錯了。

今天，與「他」只是一個微笑。我便知道，那天，我錯了。

太久沒有寫中文，真的很爛。
因為溶雪，我仆街了，hermes 介指完了，請各好友替我四出找尋。黑色，53號。

please, be quiet.

how are you doing? are you alright? how do you feel? please stop asking me all these fucking questions. i show all my emotion on my face already, stop asking but back off and leave me alone. i don't even wanna open my mouth to talk, not even one word. i am physically fine, but mentally break down.

please, leave me alone those jerks and bitches. esp. you, bitch. u make me wanna throw.

宣戰

在對我宣戰嗎?
已跑到老遠的鬼地方，還在更我在火拚。只好給他一句，他媽的。別在找死。

在這心理角力戰，我已筋疲力竭。

她媽的，還要好好的贈給我這裡的老細。沒完沒了的工作，難道我來這裡，便是為她媽的她工作嗎﹖沒有時間看書，沒有時間備課，沒有時間讀譜。她媽的媽的。

he is asking me to go for his gig on friday night, should I?
let's not play fire.

By Request

I am writing again.
these days, my life is just fucking mess up. body doesnt feel right, mind doesnt feel fresh. i wish i got a reboot button in my body, everything just start right from the beginning. having been in this fucking place for almost half year, since i am still calling this a fucking place, you know how much i dislike it. coming across with all kinds of people, trying my very best for not to compromise with some bitches and jerks. i am in the middle of counterpoint and schenkerian analysis plus a bit of fucking chinese music shit. i did another drawing in my analysis class, its not schenkerian graph, but another great illustration, once i got the time, i will scan it for all of you to comment.

my 2 best friends, i wish i am there to stay with you gals. while i am still struggling in my single life, you gals have so many relationships and things going on around you. i dunno what to say, love is just something that i am not good at playing. i know, i am going to fall in another jerk again. but this time, i forseen how it is going to be, i won't let myself to fall into that trap again. never again. staying in a distance. i wish i am not too bored. i wish i am with you gals. i wish i am in nowhere. i wish nothing has really happened. i wish i wont have nightmare again tonite. i wish i am doing fine. i wish i wont be tired again. i wish i am not that fucking stupid. let's make a deal, let's quit.

next week, start travelling again, this is always my own way to prove that i am still alive. this is the only way. cant wait to see you, ar bi and dada.