Home

watching tv at home, just discovered the J2 channel is showing this cartoon 娛樂金魚眼 (

きんぎょ注意報!). I like this so much when i was young, i used to imitate 千歲 's laughing.

Hohohohohohoho~~~~~~~~~~~

are we living in the same world?

i feel like i am living in another world. this is a world of silence. everything is in silence, but at the same time everything is trying to talk to me. i refuse to eat any pork, i feel like the pig is talking to me. i don't know when will the chicken start talking to me, or the fish will swim to me. maybe i am sick, all these imagination is so real. just like in kafka's metamorphosis. one day, you woke up, you turn into something else. and how's everyone changed and get used to it. it's all about human beings.

i am one of them, i start getting use to it.

imagine, hope is a sin.

maybe.

voodoo girl

hungry, can't eat.
tired, can't sleep.
happy, can't smile.
sad, can't cry.

Voodoo Girl by tim burton
Her skin is white cloth,
and she's all sewn apart
and she has many colored pins
sticking out of her heart.


She has a beautiful set
of hypno-disk eyes,
the ones that she uses
to hypnotize guys.

She has many different zombies
who are deeply in her trance.
She even has a zombie
who was originally from France.

But she knows she has a curse on her,
a curse she cannot win.
For if someone gets
too close to her,


the pins stick farther in.


i am the voodoo girl.

metamorphosis

in this two hours time, my heart is lifted from light to heavy. after more than 3 hours, i can't even drop a tear. i am upset, utterly sad. the next day i wake up, i am going to transform. i am a fluffy smelly panda who only know about eating bamboo and sleep. i am such a failure, i can't use better word to describe myself. i gave up this blog for long, because i can't put my feelings into words anymore. i hate myself, i hate hong kong, i hate where i am, i hate what i am doing. where am i supposed to be?

thanks my beloved friend for telling me my dearest 'boyfriend' is seeing someone else.
thanks my ex for telling me he is getting married next year.

what is wrong with me? what have i done wrong?
where am i suppose to go in december now? i am not dare to go back anymore.

the smoke went through my lungs, it's been 3 months.
no matter how much smoke how much alcohol.
it can never bring me away from the reality.
i am clean.
i gotta be clean.
i am sick.

am i going to regret?

whenever you have to make a decision, you will ask yourself one very simple question, am i going to regret if i do this, or am i going to regret if not?

in a little situation now. am i going to regret if i don't meet him once again before i leave?
am i going to regret in my entire life if i am not going to see him again?
am i going to regret if i am going to meet him again?
what he meant to me? my little memory in the states?

am i going to regret? should i take that extra step to mend the situation now?
am i ?
am i?

smoke coming from the sky,
wonder whats going on behind.
wave my hand and say goodbye,
stop dreaming is wise.

或許，我還在學懂明白自己。
再痛一次，那又如何﹖

a week after break

after all, i feel like writing again.
back for a week. play after play. drama after drama.
now, i gotta ask one very simple question.
how to let go of something when we don't ever have that something?
is it that simple that we can get over it in just a slight second?
there is always a difference between hong kongers and Americans, we don't get drunk that so often. the soberness reminds us we are still in love. occasionally we will get wasted. maybe all my friends already passed through that 'i wanna get drunk' stage. remember when i was still at studying at hku, joel and i went down to that pub, be friends with the pub owner, closed the pub just for us, tequila shots, whiskey, and i still remembered how she threw up on my favorite Levi's jeans on our way home.

we all need a little drunk to release our emotion. we all need a little break from our sentimental feeling.

perhaps, all we need is a little love.
i wish all to be in love.

敵不過自己

以為會好的。
我想在上機前，說了些不該說的，現在就這樣靜下來了。
是好事吧，至少在這一向多事的四月，少了一件要讓我煩惱的事。
記得某友人在我回港時說了這樣的一句話，「說什麼專一﹖那根本也談不上是愛情。」
雖然那話的矛頭並不是指向我，但那刻我的心寒了一陣。
說什麼專一﹖我根本沒有資格去要求專一。從前沒有，現在都沒有。
沒有別的要再去想，因為已經我們之間已再沒有什麼了。

靜悄悄，走了。
說不想你，騙自己吧。

where is home?

a quick trip home, 24 hours back and forth. amazed on how many friends i met in these last couple days. surprised on how fat my dog is, he is no longer my handsome bb, but a fat chick body with a ping-pong ball head DOG.

thanks honey for picking me up at the airport. love ya.
abby, same old same old. nothing changed! will give u my paul and joe purse, get rid of ur dirty one! hahaha~
kobb, thanks for the film fest ticket, though both of us didnt go.
joey, thanks for the day off and hang out with me all day.
gordon and ray, busy architect! let's smoke weed next time.
keung, thanks for everything and came over to my place late at night to chat with me.
pokit, keung will visit you soon, no worry. haha!
mandi, thanks for the david tao ticket, though i felt asleep.
joel and ariel. nice seeing you girls, things changed.
amanda, gotta meet you in LA.
hku classmates, should i come back more often, so that we can all gather at sichuen place again?

2 more are missing! =) i love the two.

sorry for those that i missed, i wasn't feeling very well when i was home. physically exhausted. hopefully will meet you guys soon.

where am i supposed to be? where is home?

am i going to be back in 6 weeks? who knows!

i think i discovered something when i got back this time,
about 70% of my friends don't have a regular job, when i say regular, i mean 'jiu 9 meng 5'.
about 70% of my friends are single!
about 70% of my friends are smoker!
3 of my friends are now driving a mini cooper.
2 of my friends are living in lantau island.
95% of my friends love shopping.
80% of my friends love buying luxury brand!
100% of my friends are all mo liu and hea!

i love you all. thanks for a wonderful week!

又下雪了

又突然下起雪來，停不了。我的抖震也停不了。

最不想發生的都發生了

我停不了。雪溶了，卻沒有半點暖了。我躺在床上，一直在抖震。胃部又作出強烈抗議，睡不了。
對不起友人們，我從來都沒有把你們的忠告放在心頭。

五天後見。

stop fucking ruin my day

alright, i am all sick of that 2nd choice idea. i mean i am like a back up plan.
WTF!!!!!!!

fucking sick of it! i hate it! i hate american!

ok, calm down! only a week left.
stay calm, sadie.

can't wait!

21st 10.40 pm arrive at hk airport
22nd david tao concert at night (maybe)
23rd meet keung, FWO concert (probably)
24th tsing, connie, ???? gathering?
25th
26th hku gathering
27th 9.00 p.m. movie with kobb
28th
29th 8.25 a.m. depart from hk airport

who wanna meet me? sign up for a time! hehe =)

leave me alone.

are you ready to let go the past?
am i ready to leave?
are you; am i ready?

i don't feel love nor hatred.
i feel the sadness in our eyes.
it's perfectly fine to say no.
it's absolutely alright to say goodbye.

i am a legless bird.
i refuse to land, once i land, i have to learn how to fly all over again.
maybe i am woodstock, who keep on trying to fly, but end up hitting the window.
sometimes, we forgot to ask ourselves one very simple question,
'are you happy now?'

sadness in our eyes.

i am sorry, i feel old.
i am tired of mind tricks. either yes or no. there is nothing in between.
i am here to search for happiness. stop looping yourself into my life.
i am not here to rescue you from your past.
neither do i need you to rescue me from my past.
i dont have any past. i am currently living my own life.

it is me, not cos of him!

after a week, from losing interest, appetite, to now, appetite is back. eating snacks, chatting with him again.

after a pack of cig., this is how i feel. it is not him who can't handle this relationship anymore. the fact is, i can't. i can't live without love.

year of rat, should be another good year for the year of dog.

in praise of love. here, there and everywhere.

i am glad this is over.

他突然的出現，也突然的消失。
他關上門的那一刻，淚終於流下了。
昨天是k 的生日，也是k的十字架回歸之日，也是我們決定結束的一日。

怎樣輾轉也睡不來，狠狠地舌下藥，勉強睡了。
藥力失效，零晨時份醒來，他已走了，留下的只有氣味。

我是怒的。我不是貨物，也不是你們的玩意，請不要把我推到別人手中。

i am glad this is over.
2008 has just started, things are not running very well.
i don't have to wait till april to let the bad things happened, cos everything is done by feb. 2nd.
i will be fine. i will be fine.
i will be fine.

tracing back the trail i walked through,
the answer to this path only has one but not two.
this is you.

looking at myself, reminding what every single of you have said.
time to stop this loop.
i don't understand. why this is always how its end?

i am glad this is over.
thanks for letting me out.
war is over. game is over.
time to start over.
shut down, restart.
life is going to be better.

I AM STILL ALIVE!

I FEEL FINE!
I AM ALRIGHT!
I AM PERFECTLY FINE!

BEING A PK MAGNET IS NEVER AN EASY ROLE. I HAVE ENOUGH OF THAT!

FROM THIS MINUTE ONWARDS, STOP HANGING OUT WITH JERKS!
THIS IS THE ULTIMATE MISSION FOR 2008!

安息

在sigur ros 的音樂下，人自然變得沉重。我不停地重覆問自己同一個問題，「為什麼我感到失望﹖」昨夜胸口的痛，已記不起是多久之前的事。大概一年前，胸口間中都有陣痛。以為得到了免疫，但畢竟，我始終都是一個愛動情的那個，情一動，心便痛。

又是時候，重新學習如何疼自己。

又一次，安息吧。

terribly upset at the moment

sometimes, u just feel gloomy for no reason. when the bad mood nerve is clicking, there is no way to control over it. this is how i feel now.

why would everyone worry our relationship now?

maybe, i know the answer from my heart.
don't get attached. this is what everyone said.
can i do that? yes and no.

we got on the thruway at like 90 miles/hr. suddenly, there are cars keep running behind us, pushed us to speed up even harder. at this time, i think maybe we should pull over.

i am terribly upset at the moment. waiting for the pills to kick in.

當這地球沒有花

突然衝到了頭上。不知什麼原因，我有點後悔。我該還留在los angelos，好讓他想我多一點，緊張我多一點，回來了，兩天後，又像回到了原點。我在兩者之間找平衡，中間點在哪﹖我又想出走，好讓思緒一一整頓，把所有發生了的，不該發生的也拋走。才剛開始，為何便已經要我嘗苦了。別人也千叮萬囑我，別玩得過火，如今傷害到的還不是自己﹖算罷，不想再想，不想再寫。是我不把愛當作一回事。

就似熱湯 懷念烈火 

纏綿頭發 苦戀被窩 

遺憾甚么 期待甚么 

當樹林也 孤立無助 給樹熊爬甚么 

空著兩臂 為你而留座 

當 赤道留住雪花 眼淚融掉細沙 

你肯珍惜我嗎 

如浮云陪伴天馬 公演一個童話 

當 配樂遺下結他 畫布忘掉了畫 

請想起我 如綠草 當這地球沒有花 

就算日出 忘掉霧水 

鯨魚病了 都想渴水 

讓那暴風 柔和地吹 

假若離去 只為團聚 給病人留藥水 

不斷吻我 讓我能甜睡 

how does it make you feel?

This is what he said,
'I have a problem that I cannot explain
I have no reasons why it should have been so plain,
Have no questions but I sure have excuse
I lack the reason why I should be so confused, I know, how I feel when I'm around you,
I don't know, how I feel when I'm around you,
Around you, Left a message but it ain't a bit of use,
I have the pictures, the wild might be the deuce,
Today you called, you saw me, you explained,
Playing the show and running down the plane, I know, how I feel when I'm around you,
I don't know, how I feel when I'm around you,
I know, how I feel when I'm around you,
I don't know, how I feel when I'm around you,
Around you, I know, how I feel when I'm around you,
I don't know, how I feel when I'm around you,
I know, how I feel when I'm around you,
I don't know, how I feel when I'm around you,
Around you, Around you, Around you..'

so do i.

矛盾

一星期前，一直在想著想著，
如今，三十六小時後，見面。

想，不想﹖這一刻已沒有答案，彼此間的那份忽冷忽熱，令我這巨蟹座感到萬分的不安全。

很久沒有這份不安，三十六小時後，希望我倆也感到幸福快樂。

love actually

好像戀愛了。
hehe...。


只是好像，但又真實。
真的是像霧像雨又像花。

2008的第一個不快

喉嚨痕得要死。咳得要死。

the rule for the first week of 2008, no more cig.

delay no more. in 8 days, gotta be coughing no more. sick no more.