april

following the end of April. all the dramas are officially closed file. sometimes, i don't understand why were all these dramas have to happen in april, it seems so long for me this year's april. finally, in less than 35 minutes, its May.
whatever i encountered this april, it's a bubble in a bath.

dream is over. all i need is a quiet May, leading me to my Europe trip in solitude.

love begins when one ends.

linger.
my hair turns red again. the color fading with a sense of lavender smell.
the softness reminds me of your gentleness.
momentary love is the most precious.
i am enjoying my romantic solitude.

romance

it was like one of the movie scene happened in venice. i sat down for a coffee before rushing to work. it was a beautiful day with the sun shinning through the glass windows. i picked a seat with a comfy sofa, facing the street, busy people noisy cars. he smiled. we both talked in our second language. trying to understand each other hard. we laughed. life is full of unexpectation.

'sorry, i gotta go.'
'hope to see you soon.'

we all need some romance.
let's kiss.

i miss my ps shoes.

life is dramatic.
i feel good this afternoon, life is beautiful.
i feel bad now, life is dreadful.

Gran Torino

it's not the first time that i watched clint eastwood's movie alone. last time was million dollar baby. feel good to watch a movie on my own, havent do that for a long time. it's an amazing movie. the lines are great, actors are great. plot is great. i was laughing so hard in the first half of the movie, people kept turning their head and look at me to see who the hell this girl was laughing about. 'come on, Hong Kongers, please dont just read the subtitles, listen to what they actually say. the slang they use. it's so freaking funny.' ( of cos, the foreigner sitting right behind me was also laughing like mad, just like me) well, can't believe i end up crying at the end of the movie. it's sad. tears dropping. time stops.

i like the little episode that i encountered at that addidas concept store today. maybe next time.

my blueberry nights

almost forgot this movie, until someone told me cat power was in it. she is sexy, mysterious, captivating. i wish i am chan marshall. i will never forget who bought me the first cat power cd. The greatest.

try not to comment on norah jone's acting. i like jude law a lot, especially with his manchester accent. british accent simply sounds so sweet to me. the scene of jude law and chan marshall. it's just love. i love the kiss. ex lovers loved. sweetness melts in their lips.

BB

psychologically pregnant.
wanting a baby boy.
blue eyes, red hair? or dark brown eyes, black hair?
according to the news, sooner or later, we can create our baby. by choosing the color of their eyes and hair.
how could we be God?

Missing Jesus.

don't hesitate, before it's too late.

i feel the urge to write before i forget. i am falling in love with cat power. what a captivating voice. i wanna be cat power. i wanna sleep with her. i wanna dance with her. her soul deep sexy voice grasp my heart tight.

knocking on the door, a deer answered.
would you dance with me?
i am a panda from the bamboo jungle.
please save me by dancing with me.
i can't stop my tears from falling.
rain splashing with insecurity.
dreams.
do you remember the first time?
do you remember the first time?
do you remember..........
empty shell, blank sheet.

in search for cat power.

networking; communication.

i hate networking, facebook-ing. there are people in your life, that you have been trying so hard to get rid of, facebook-ing always remind you they are still alive, earth is still moving, they are still happy as always. i am trying to avoid using facebook, i don't wanna know who is getting married, who is breaking up. i don't wanna know who went to Maldives for honeymoon. I HATE IT. i am not saying i am jealous, i simply don't wanna get involved or know. i am so proud of my 2 friends who never have a facebook account. what a smart idea for not having one. i prefer hand written letter than sending me an email. i prefer mailing me a cassette tape than sending me a mp3. i am a grumpy old lady in these rainy days.

For the one that i am so not wanna know what's going on in your life, if there is even once that we will ever bump into each other on the street, don't even bother to say Hi to me. I will only say this following,'get the fuck out of me'. you may say i am childish, i am not. you are the one who put me into this situation. goodbye.

rainy days = grumpy panda

is freedom bringing us happiness or more responsibility?
is responsibility a burden or a way to let us grow up?

right, jesus is still jesus. panda is still panda. bamboo is still bamboo.
what change is, panda no longer eating bamboo. bamboo no longer feeding panda. panda and bamboo no longer believe in jesus.

enough bullshit. time to spend some quality moment with my comfy muji blanket cover.

Zzzzzz...........

sleep is all i need. i am a panda who needs at least 12 hours of sleep a day. starting from 3 weeks ago, i constantly lacking of sleep. don't even have a day sleep more than 12 hours. where are my dreams? loveless dreams.

Dreams by Cat Power
Dream, dream, dream, dream
Dream, dream, dream, dream

When I feel blue in the night
I want you to hold me tight
Whenever I want you
All I have to do is dream

I can make you mine
Taste your lips of wine
Anytime night or day
Only trouble is, gee whiz
I’m dreaming my life away

I need you so that I could die
I love you so and that is why
Whenever I want you
All I have to do is dream

Dream, dream, dream
Dream, dream, dream

When I feel blue in the night
And I want you to hold me tight
Whenever I want you
All I have to do is dream

I can make you mine
Taste your lips of wine
Anytime night or day
Only trouble is, gee whiz
I’m dreaming my life away

I love you so that I could die
I need you so and that is why
Whenever I want you
All I have to do is dream

Dream, dream, dream
Dream, dream, dream

'Chan Marshall, may i sleep with you?'

Cat Power - Dreams (Japan bonus track)

what's next?

back from a short trip in US and macau. it's exhausting. and time consuming. the time i spent on the plane, mostly i was sleeping. watched a movie, called The Duchess. sad to be famous.

now, it's come to the decision making part. I wonder what am i suppose to do. I got the offer from England, which I have dreamed of going to for a long time, now it comes true. however, what am i afraid of? should i go for it? 2 years is not that a long period of time, however, it's not short either. i know i am not satisfy with what i am doing here. am i creating music everyday? am i learning something new every day? should i say yes to the offer or turn it down? please light it up for me.

passed by the CD store today, haven't buy any CDs for long. here i am, bought a Cat power CD, simply because of this song.

'song to Bobby'
I wanna tell you
I've always wanted to tell you
But I never had the chance to say
What I feel in my heart from the beginning til my dying day

I was fifteen, sixteen maybe
In the park I was waving my arms
You were waved this way
And you sang the song I was screaming
I wanted you to

Another time was in South Carolina
It's always been the third encore
Whose wind came roaring in
Can you tell me who were you singing for
Oh my God, can you tell me who you were singing to

A phone call from your New York City office
You were supposedly asking to see me
And how I wanted to tell you
That I was just only four hundred miles away
Who could believe that you were calling I was in DC
I was four hundred miles behind
Backstage pass in my hand
Giving you my heart was my plan I wish I could tell you

My chance
In the middle of the stadium in Paris, France
Can I finally tell you
Can I finally tell you
To be my man
April in Paris, can I see you
Can you please be my man

indulge in a sweet dream

wasn't able to sleep that much in the last 2 weeks.
the feeling of not able to sleep while you are in extremely tired condition, is ABSOULTEY unbearable.
not enough sleep, equals to not much wanna eat.
and up till today, finally my body is giving me a warning:
'you gotta sleep and eat.' begin to throw up a little, and faint a little.
still got 15 hours flight ahead, will i be able to handle that.

i have been taught myself not to have much hope or expectation on anything since the first time my heart broken.
i don't feel any more happier nor sad.
maybe as i told my friend, i don't know how to be in love anymore.
i am just a robot, reminds me faye wong in 2046. i got trapped.
i am not trapped to any particular person that i loved or missed.
i am simply trapped. in a way that even i myself have no idea why.

that was a sweet dream. love is momentary. real love.
memory is the only thing that we can forever hang on to.
sorry Benjamin button, we cried.
not being able to remember who you ever loved is the saddest thing in the world.
i could still feel the pain sometimes. pain is beautiful.
just like i still believe, living is already a miracle. life is a magic.


Victor Mancini, 'What would jesus not do?'


10:14 AM 2/12/2009 @ chicago O'hare airport.

dedicated to my beloved VIRGO!

alright, i should be reading/studying instead of typing this silly blog. even so, i feel like i should write something dedicated to my BELOVED VIRGO. this equals to my VIRGO boss and my VIRGO colleague.

there are several things that you gotta know when you work with VIRGO:
1) they love giving orders, no matter their order is stupid or smart, you have to follow exactly the way they say.
2) they are the typical perfection lover. (which most of the time, not done by themselves but require others to be perfect.)
3) European VIRGO i.e. Austrian in particular, they are outrageously sarcastic most of the time. that means, please bring your brain to work everyday, if not, you will have a very bad day.
4) they love flattering themselves (which i usually stay quiet, with no comment)

After all, i am still the one being blamed for going away next week. and not handling well with the *ucking Valentine's day concert. i thought this is TEAM work between a VIRGO and a CANCER. which end up, its a VIRGO boss with a CANCER slave relationship. if a VIRGO is so much looking for perfection or so freaking worried about the project, why doens't he go to macau himself? or at least, suggest to go there together with me? anyway, i am just bullshitting here. i am the one to be blamed.

p.s. i am not a fan for valentine's day, or i should rephrase it, i certainly don't have valentine's day in my calender. i am pretty sure, this year that will just be another really bad day.

the curious case of benjamin button

How does it make you feel if your life is actually going backward? i watched a movie called the curious case of Benjamin Button last night. it was so sad and touching. i wonder what if i die young, like a baby. without remember all the sadness and pain i have been through my entire life. can't even remember a single person i love and encounter in my life, don't even mention the happy memory. i wonder, will it be better than dying old, with all the memories i have and missing all those one who left me behind.

i believe i would rather die with the pain, than nothing. memory is still wonderful and beautiful. trying hard to keep all my memory fresh, sometimes, it runs away like a bullet train. sometimes it comes back with a wonderful autumn smell.

life is a magic.

the next is ' Milk', ' revolutionary road', ' slumdog millionaire'

life update!

1. officially hate chinese new year! after being away from chinese new year for 2 years, i almost forgot how it's like. i am not enjoying any of it at all. i don't mean i hate my relatives, it's just seeing my relatives remind me how old i am getting. my younger cousin is giving me red pocket money! HA! and he already had 4 year old daughter! i am so not staying hong kong for new year next year!

2. mentally sick of so many people and things. there are things that pple have done i disagree for million reasons. all i have to do is to pretend i see nothing, hear nothing, feel nothing. i am trying to be as emotionless as possible. as high EQ as possible.

3. couting down the day for another challenge. to be honest, i am freaking scare and nervous. i know i am lazy and not good enough for that. i tried. i wish i could be all alone and dig into whatever things i wanna discover. anyway, life is too short. its worth for a shot!

4. please stop playing or singing or fucking humming the song Ponyo anymore! i am not interested in the movie and i am not planning to watch it. in a 45 minute bus ride, the kid behind me playing that chorus out loud from a cell phone for the fucking 45 minute non-stop. from not knowing the lyrics, till able to sing and memorize it.

5. still haven't watch red cliff. which i dont think i am planning to watch it anymore. still wanna watch the curious case of benjanmin button. still waiting! by elimination, i watched Yes Man! i wanan watch it when i was in nyc during christmas, unexpectedly hilarious. good theme. we must live our life. i am trying to live my life in every single minute. sometimes, i lost. after watching this movie, i am now addicted to Munchausen by proxy & Zooey Deschanel's Yes Man.

post mogwai; takkyu ishino

i can't handle pop music anymore. this include pop, rock, post-rock....... my ears hurt. i can't really get into it. back from Mogwai, post-rock. they took me to a journey, thought i could leave everything behind, i couldn't. wish i have a joint at that moment. push me further away, one day, i believe; i will cut off all my tides.

ok, haven said that i can't handle pop music anymore. the next show that i am gonna go is 石野卓球 Takkyu Ishino. techno and some dancing, too young to die!

Flashback

back for a week, already sick of the stressful life i have in hong kong. i have million things to do, and i am a panda who needs 12 hours of sleep a day. how am i going to accomplish all the tasks?

i am tired of everything happened around me.

we all have different choices, one may choose one from another. as a friend, i will give you my advice. take it or drop it, it's entirely up to you.

'loveless' isn't the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind. (chuck palahniuk's CHOKE)

this is my life at the moment.

Disappointment / Anger of the day

First of all, am i the luckiest girl in this world? just got another call from my friend. she told me, my 1st ex bfd, the singer/designer, got married already. he is the one that i am a little disappointed with. I met him as if a fairy tale. we end up falling in love, and breaking up. I wish I would have met him now, instead of when I was 17. we did keep contact even after we broke up. i love being a friend with him, he is much older than me, can always help me solving up problems and sadness. however, all out of a sudden, since i got to the states, after a year, he never reply my email again. it is like someone suddenly vanished in the air. I think I haven't seen him for more than 3 years already, maybe even more than that. I couldn't even remember when is the last time he and I met. I don't know why he and i lost contact. he is really a friend that i truly treasured. i am disappointed. but good for him, finally get married. I would never imagine that he is the marriage kind of guy.

ok, the second thing is, I was pissed at work today. dealing with my professor is one thing that I hate very much. I mean dealing with boss in general, especially he/she is a foreigner. so here we are, working on the stupid macau valentine's day concert. there is a chinese folksong piece in the program. then my professor asked for my help in terms of the lyrics and stuff. for the lyrics, I am perfectly fine with it, i am glad to help. What i really hate it, all Foreigners, not only americans but this time Austrian. whenever they see Chinese music, they assume all Chinese know about chinese music. when I was going through the score with him, he kept asking me question and said 'is it a familiar tune for you?' 'is it a typical musical gesture for a chinese orchestra?' first of all, that's a folksong transcription for a Western Orchestra, for chinese music, there is no such thing anyway. Chinese orchestra is never something chinese, it's what people nowadays trying to make chinese music easily approcahed for the audience. Chinese music are meant for self entertainment and free improvisation. It's all wrong from the starting point as a folksong transcription to orchestra. besides, I am chinese, doenst mean i study chinese music. and for chinese music, there are thousand/ millionaire different kind, with thousand years of chinese history, there is no way for me to even know a little about it. especially for me, being live in Hong Kong for most of my life. It's a British Colony for hundred years, we don't listen to chinese opera or chinese music. we listened to the beatles!!!!!! PLEASE DON'T EVER ASSUME CHINESE MUST KNOW CHINESE MUSIC!

welcome back!

to myself, 'welcome back!'
i have to admit that i made a mistake in this trip. i am trying to drown myself into the idea that 'everything will be fine.'. i wish.

left for 2 weeks, suddenly rediscover the beauty of Hong Kong. i still love LA a lot. for ny? i am not so sure about it. next time, if i do go back, probably won't be the winter time. i can't bare for the lost again. all these travel, time and money spent on the plane, i still can't meet the one i wanna see the most. it's fate. thank you for the snow! we both agree it's fate. is it a test? or it's fate that everything should be over without an ending.

i don't know. i am reading the book called 'choke' now. it's too dark. made me a little sick!

why?

i tried. but failed. have to be strong.
in 36 hours, my longing will be over.

F 2008, F new year!

goodbye 2008. goodbye new york! in a short time, i dont think i will be back. happy to be hammered and stoned before evening. this is the only thing that can happen in nyc. thanks for that unexpected encouter. whoever, whatever who set me up for this disastrous catastrophe, let's end this right here. Fuck u all. stop fucking up my mood. 31st dec, 2008. my worst day in 2008. fuck it. bye!