what's next?

back from a short trip in US and macau. it's exhausting. and time consuming. the time i spent on the plane, mostly i was sleeping. watched a movie, called The Duchess. sad to be famous.

now, it's come to the decision making part. I wonder what am i suppose to do. I got the offer from England, which I have dreamed of going to for a long time, now it comes true. however, what am i afraid of? should i go for it? 2 years is not that a long period of time, however, it's not short either. i know i am not satisfy with what i am doing here. am i creating music everyday? am i learning something new every day? should i say yes to the offer or turn it down? please light it up for me.

passed by the CD store today, haven't buy any CDs for long. here i am, bought a Cat power CD, simply because of this song.

'song to Bobby'
I wanna tell you
I've always wanted to tell you
But I never had the chance to say
What I feel in my heart from the beginning til my dying day

I was fifteen, sixteen maybe
In the park I was waving my arms
You were waved this way
And you sang the song I was screaming
I wanted you to

Another time was in South Carolina
It's always been the third encore
Whose wind came roaring in
Can you tell me who were you singing for
Oh my God, can you tell me who you were singing to

A phone call from your New York City office
You were supposedly asking to see me
And how I wanted to tell you
That I was just only four hundred miles away
Who could believe that you were calling I was in DC
I was four hundred miles behind
Backstage pass in my hand
Giving you my heart was my plan I wish I could tell you

My chance
In the middle of the stadium in Paris, France
Can I finally tell you
Can I finally tell you
To be my man
April in Paris, can I see you
Can you please be my man

indulge in a sweet dream

wasn't able to sleep that much in the last 2 weeks.
the feeling of not able to sleep while you are in extremely tired condition, is ABSOULTEY unbearable.
not enough sleep, equals to not much wanna eat.
and up till today, finally my body is giving me a warning:
'you gotta sleep and eat.' begin to throw up a little, and faint a little.
still got 15 hours flight ahead, will i be able to handle that.

i have been taught myself not to have much hope or expectation on anything since the first time my heart broken.
i don't feel any more happier nor sad.
maybe as i told my friend, i don't know how to be in love anymore.
i am just a robot, reminds me faye wong in 2046. i got trapped.
i am not trapped to any particular person that i loved or missed.
i am simply trapped. in a way that even i myself have no idea why.

that was a sweet dream. love is momentary. real love.
memory is the only thing that we can forever hang on to.
sorry Benjamin button, we cried.
not being able to remember who you ever loved is the saddest thing in the world.
i could still feel the pain sometimes. pain is beautiful.
just like i still believe, living is already a miracle. life is a magic.


Victor Mancini, 'What would jesus not do?'


10:14 AM 2/12/2009 @ chicago O'hare airport.

dedicated to my beloved VIRGO!

alright, i should be reading/studying instead of typing this silly blog. even so, i feel like i should write something dedicated to my BELOVED VIRGO. this equals to my VIRGO boss and my VIRGO colleague.

there are several things that you gotta know when you work with VIRGO:
1) they love giving orders, no matter their order is stupid or smart, you have to follow exactly the way they say.
2) they are the typical perfection lover. (which most of the time, not done by themselves but require others to be perfect.)
3) European VIRGO i.e. Austrian in particular, they are outrageously sarcastic most of the time. that means, please bring your brain to work everyday, if not, you will have a very bad day.
4) they love flattering themselves (which i usually stay quiet, with no comment)

After all, i am still the one being blamed for going away next week. and not handling well with the *ucking Valentine's day concert. i thought this is TEAM work between a VIRGO and a CANCER. which end up, its a VIRGO boss with a CANCER slave relationship. if a VIRGO is so much looking for perfection or so freaking worried about the project, why doens't he go to macau himself? or at least, suggest to go there together with me? anyway, i am just bullshitting here. i am the one to be blamed.

p.s. i am not a fan for valentine's day, or i should rephrase it, i certainly don't have valentine's day in my calender. i am pretty sure, this year that will just be another really bad day.

the curious case of benjamin button

How does it make you feel if your life is actually going backward? i watched a movie called the curious case of Benjamin Button last night. it was so sad and touching. i wonder what if i die young, like a baby. without remember all the sadness and pain i have been through my entire life. can't even remember a single person i love and encounter in my life, don't even mention the happy memory. i wonder, will it be better than dying old, with all the memories i have and missing all those one who left me behind.

i believe i would rather die with the pain, than nothing. memory is still wonderful and beautiful. trying hard to keep all my memory fresh, sometimes, it runs away like a bullet train. sometimes it comes back with a wonderful autumn smell.

life is a magic.

the next is ' Milk', ' revolutionary road', ' slumdog millionaire'