gloomy saturday

可怕的四月，還有三天。多事四月，零五如是，零六如是，零七也如是。聽了一整天的damien rice，原來他是唯一能讓我靜下來工作的聲音。我沒有特別去想過去三個星期所發生的事，但昨夜，我清楚知道，我真的吻不下去。漸覺得對什麼事情都失去了興趣，就連我最愛的bb，我也沒有半點的思念。這陣子，我究竟在想些什麼﹖身邊的事和人，是我無形的壓力，我怕收到電話，怕收到短訊，怕聽到msn傳來的震動，或許，我真的很想很想 live in my own way. 這些短暫的愉快，沒有為我帶來半點的驚喜。我很累去想，很累去猜測他們心中所想，我只想快點把眼前的工作一一完成，好讓我重整我的身體機能，這樣的生活，不可以再待多久，每天都在慢性自殺，只怨自己的定力不夠。快完了，所有都快完了，好好享受餘下兩星期的一個人生活。回來過後，我又可會比現在的我快樂嘛﹖

sleep, don't weep.
do what you must do, to find yourself, to fill that hole.

我。

我在改變。當一個人在異地生活得太久，道德觀念開始受到很大的沖擊。人開始變得迷失，只要能找到半點心靈的依靠那便足夠，那是我嗎﹖已不知走錯了多少步，早上醒來，沒有宿醉，但看回手機上與他的一言一語，原來我們都只是原始森林裡的一群動物，一群迷失了的羊。早上的太陽並還沒有把我喚醒，拒絕去想昨晚的事，拒絕去想昨天所做的事，我需要是一點心靈上的寧靜，這種沉淪在煙酒間的生活，絕不應該繼續。究竟打從什麼時候開始，我失去了自制能力﹖絕不應該再給自己多餘的藉口，愛誰不愛誰已不再重要，請愛自己，別再傷害這脆弱的我。

i am a loser.

my life is all fucked up in the past 2 weeks. there are things that you shouldn't do. once you have set the bottom line. you gotta stick to it. dun ever try to go over it. never. once you have stepped beyond the bottom line, you will find yourself fucking lost. this is how i feel now. i am totally torn. in this coming week, i have to make a decision. a decision which will change my life again. everything gotta start all over again. i wish i never be borned. i don't fucking belong to any part of this fucking world. i am going to leave gently, without a notice. vanish in the air.

shell / cage

maybe no one will ever be able to understand how i feel now. i am such a loser. i failed at my performance, i felt really bad. really bad. why do i still have to deal with those fake faces? saying good job, nice job. why do i have to deal with the cameras whenever there is a concert? why can't i be the one to concentrate on the music? why do i have to deal with all those little details in every concert, every single move of chairs or stands? why? is it simply because i am a graduate assistant, then i will be able to perform well and at the same time be the stage manager? *uck off. i hate partying, i hate americans. i hate talking to strangers, i hate sleeping with strangers. from now on, the 4 weeks left. i won't talk a single word ever.

bitch, stop sending me emails. i almost crushed my notebook last nite when i got home.

all these shits is killing me softly. i thought i am able to get through it. in fact, i am not. cancer will always be able to survive in depression. all she needs is a crab shell to protect herself. please stop intervening my life.

countdown

see you guys in 31 days. who is interested in picking me up at the airport?

sadie, 自來了亞美利堅後，胃部的問題日益嚴重。一個青蘋果，便足以把我的胃部撕開。隨身已懂得帶著大量的 tums，一痛，便一口大咬數粒。沒有怎樣的消除痛楚，只覺精神上好過。沒有怎樣的對策，只好繼續以抽菸當作食糧，別碰任何美式食物。奈何dunhill快完，mild seven 又還沒到，camel 是也? damn.

失落

原因? 輸了一仗智力遊戲。
從來便不擅長玩弄感情，別裝出瀟洒的樣子，因為這並不是巨蟹座的本能。

stay the fuck away from me.

我想病，大病在床。

至理名言

別讓 寂寞害你傷得一夜白頭

this is just a wrong timing and a wrong person.

dun ever let loneliness control your mind.
stop digging your own grave, please.

am i doing something wrong?

well, seems that i am getting into trouble again. WTF it is, how come both of them are aquarius? WTF! i have been telling myself, no more aquarius, please, never work out. how can it be both of them are aquarius?

i think i know what should i do. i dont really like that guy, i should stop to be a pk anymore. i cant be selfish and taking advantage from him. i should have stay a distance from him, which i failed to do tonite. stop being a bitch! and be rational. time is running out.

sometimes, i just wanna be alone.
better stay at home and watch LOST this weekend.